Is the title of the film I just saw. Brian De Palma directs, based on a James Elroy book, inspired on true events.
Not for everybody I should say. Dark, dark, dark.
If you like Hitchcock... then this is for you.
But if you don't... stay well away...
To be perfectly honest I don't even know what to say about this film. It's too early, too close to be able to. But I feel I've seen some of the most powerful moments contemporary film-making has created.
And this is a pun (somewhat) since so much of what is seen echoes "old school" cinema.
All I can say right now is that I have probably a dozen films that I really want to own (the truly, utterly, impossibly indispensable ones)
And this is one of them.
If only to learn about film-making you should see this film.
And it's a long dark ride.
As soon as I get my grips on "reality" once again I'll write some about it. I think this is going to be one of those films that is going to stick around for a while.
I just hope I won't have any bad dreams tonight.
Whenever I do fall asleep.
Peace...
Showing posts with label film. Show all posts
Showing posts with label film. Show all posts
Saturday, 26 February 2011
Thursday, 11 November 2010
Lazy Sundays
Well, lazy in term of writing...
09-22.30 - Family
22.30-23.30 - Travel Arrangements
23.30-01.30 - FILM, You're Welcome America
Most of sunday was spent with my cousins, crazy as usual but good. Always good to be around so much energy even if sometimes there's just so much noise one can't even hear oneself.
(guess that would be a blessing for many - and for me it is)
When we got home I had to help my brother figure out how he was going to go some place close to Northampton the following day and, honestly, the thing I wanted the most after a busy weekend was some alone time which would enable me to write a little.
Because I couldn't get that I decided I'd see a film instead.
Will Ferrell's You're Welcome America, which was good fun but, being standup wasn't as great as most of his stuff. The extras were extremely funny though and, if just for his amazing performance playing ex-president George W. Bush, it's worthwhile watching.
peace.
09-22.30 - Family
22.30-23.30 - Travel Arrangements
23.30-01.30 - FILM, You're Welcome America
Most of sunday was spent with my cousins, crazy as usual but good. Always good to be around so much energy even if sometimes there's just so much noise one can't even hear oneself.
(guess that would be a blessing for many - and for me it is)
When we got home I had to help my brother figure out how he was going to go some place close to Northampton the following day and, honestly, the thing I wanted the most after a busy weekend was some alone time which would enable me to write a little.
Because I couldn't get that I decided I'd see a film instead.
Will Ferrell's You're Welcome America, which was good fun but, being standup wasn't as great as most of his stuff. The extras were extremely funny though and, if just for his amazing performance playing ex-president George W. Bush, it's worthwhile watching.
peace.
Time Takes Focusing
Here's the schedule for the 5th of November:
10-10.30, 0.5h - Meditation
10.30-11.30, 1h - Food + Hate Bearers
11.30-12.30, 1h - House Cleaning
12.30-13, 0.5h - Blog Post
13-14, 1h - Lands Of Mist
14-15, 1h - Food + House Cleaning
15-17, 2h - Lands Of Mist
17-18, 1h - House Cleaning
18-23, 5h - Travel
23-01, 2h - FILM, Bronson
This was last friday, the day my brother came to see me from Portugal. Therefore I didn't have as much time as usual to write. After cleaning the flat somewhat (it was my turn anyway) I went on the bus to meet with him in Marble Arch. I did write a bit on the way there though not much. After that it was really get ready for work next day and watch the weird Bronson film. It was one of those that I still don't know if I enjoyed or not. And, to complicate things further, it's based on a true story. About England's most violent prisoner.
Peace! Indeed!
10-10.30, 0.5h - Meditation
10.30-11.30, 1h - Food + Hate Bearers
11.30-12.30, 1h - House Cleaning
12.30-13, 0.5h - Blog Post
13-14, 1h - Lands Of Mist
14-15, 1h - Food + House Cleaning
15-17, 2h - Lands Of Mist
17-18, 1h - House Cleaning
18-23, 5h - Travel
23-01, 2h - FILM, Bronson
This was last friday, the day my brother came to see me from Portugal. Therefore I didn't have as much time as usual to write. After cleaning the flat somewhat (it was my turn anyway) I went on the bus to meet with him in Marble Arch. I did write a bit on the way there though not much. After that it was really get ready for work next day and watch the weird Bronson film. It was one of those that I still don't know if I enjoyed or not. And, to complicate things further, it's based on a true story. About England's most violent prisoner.
Peace! Indeed!
Friday, 5 November 2010
Weird Writs
My Wednesday was a strange day.
Here's the schedule:
02-03, 1h - Lands Of Mist
03-07, 4h - Sleep
07-19, 12h - WORK
19-22, 3h - Food + The Hate Bearers + Lands Of Mist
22-01.30 - FILM - Dumplings + chat
01.30-02 - Meditation
Somehow I managed to wake up at 1.30 in the morning. I couldn't go to sleep. So I decided to write. So I worked on Lands Of Mist for a while - until I felt tired, really and went back to sleep.
Somehow I woke up - only later realising that I'd forgotten to set the alarm. I was supposed to be at work at nine so I rushed out believing myself late...
Somehow I got to work at 8am, not 9 as I'd intended...
Somehow I managed to have a longer day at work than I'd expected...
Finally I got home and ate and typed some more for The Hate Bearers and some more on Lands Of Mist.
Then I watched Fruit Chan's Dumplings. A really good film. It was labelled Horror but it isn't really. It deals with some scary stuff but the blood and guts is minimal and really done in a way to impress more psychologically than visually. He implies much more than he shows. I found it a very poignant film, a great social critique/parable of our times. As in the previous film I'd seen of his Made In Hong-Kong, he subtly deals with social conditions, the gap between the rich and the poor.
Throughout the film I was also chatting with a friend on skype - that's how these things go...
I still managed to meditate for a bit before going to sleep.
I'm a bit behind my personal schedule but starts do tend to be a bit slow - and it takes a bit of time to build enough momentum...
peace.
Here's the schedule:
02-03, 1h - Lands Of Mist
03-07, 4h - Sleep
07-19, 12h - WORK
19-22, 3h - Food + The Hate Bearers + Lands Of Mist
22-01.30 - FILM - Dumplings + chat
01.30-02 - Meditation
Somehow I managed to wake up at 1.30 in the morning. I couldn't go to sleep. So I decided to write. So I worked on Lands Of Mist for a while - until I felt tired, really and went back to sleep.
Somehow I woke up - only later realising that I'd forgotten to set the alarm. I was supposed to be at work at nine so I rushed out believing myself late...
Somehow I got to work at 8am, not 9 as I'd intended...
Somehow I managed to have a longer day at work than I'd expected...
Finally I got home and ate and typed some more for The Hate Bearers and some more on Lands Of Mist.
Then I watched Fruit Chan's Dumplings. A really good film. It was labelled Horror but it isn't really. It deals with some scary stuff but the blood and guts is minimal and really done in a way to impress more psychologically than visually. He implies much more than he shows. I found it a very poignant film, a great social critique/parable of our times. As in the previous film I'd seen of his Made In Hong-Kong, he subtly deals with social conditions, the gap between the rich and the poor.
Throughout the film I was also chatting with a friend on skype - that's how these things go...
I still managed to meditate for a bit before going to sleep.
I'm a bit behind my personal schedule but starts do tend to be a bit slow - and it takes a bit of time to build enough momentum...
peace.
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Lands Of Mist Plotting...
Monday was a good day for writing. I did manage to do (with some ease - which was great to see happening) something that I'd wanted to try for a while now: if I could map out a whole book in one go (ie, under a day).
And I did! It took me only a few hours!
Here's the schedule:
8.30-9.30, 1h - Meditation
9.30-10.30, 1h - Emails + Food
10.30-11.30, 1h - tracks recording
11.30-12, 0.5h - Emails
12-15, 3h - NaNoWriM: Lands Of Mist prep + Food
15-19, 4h - Lands Of Mist Plotting
19-20.30, 1.5h - Food + Plotting part 2
20.30-21.30, 1h - Lands Of Mist writing
21.30-00, 2.5h - FILM Land Of The Lost
00-01, 1h - Lands Of Mist + The Hate Bearers
What can I say? Monday was also a good day! I spent a good part of the day typing up the stuff I'd found the previous night (for Lands Of Mist) and then I used up most of the afternoon to type up a semi-detailed chronology of events for the whole book. Some 34 chapters so far - which I aim to keep relatively short.
I am still amazed at how smooth the whole plotting process went. Of course it helped that I already had 9 pages of notes of things I'd like to see on that book - even if most of that was already bits of chapters/dialogue. But I managed to map it all out and insert some new scenes, chapters whenever needed. And, along the way, a couple of nice ideas for the story (to round things more) came through.
That was some 7 pages long so, roughly 3500 words. Then I think I wrote some 2000 afterwards. Still a bit low word count for what I'd like but I think it was a good start - and I can see that the first chapter is already going to be broken up in several others... oh well...
The first chapter deals with Anne-Marie and Thomas going to visit a guy that lives in a swamp on the north pole (don't ask... it works in the book though...), in an area called the Permanent Darkness.
If I recall correctly, this title came about because of Radiohead's track Permanent Daylight. Which, for a period, I was trying to learn how to play and singalong. So, there is also another chapter towards the end of the book (but not really the end) called Permanent Daylight - but that's a whole other journey.
What I didn't know was how those two chapters (in which something is given to the people living there - and yes, I won't tell you what it is...) related to the rest of the book. Now I do a bit more. But I suspect that will become clearer still after I get to that second part of the story.
It's all about building layers and layers and making things reflect one another like in a hall of mirrors (and there's gonna be quite a few things about mirrors on this one as well...) and create so much creative momentum that, hopefully, the reader will take a leap of faith and trust his/hers intuition and see the story for what it is on the big themes: be inspired and feel a sense of wonder, of the cosmic universe looming at each moment all around us.
That's pretty much the main objective of the series. In fact, the whole plot can be seen as simply a device to create this experience (hopefully - I'm still not there yet!). A series of devices created to help the mind transcend the four walls of our rooms and simultaneously perceive ourselves as in our own human space but also as a part of the Big-Bang.
Land Of The Lost was a great comedy - for those of us that love Will Ferrell.
I know, I know, lots of people don't - but the guy's expressions just crack me up. He's so pointlessly obnoxious you gotta yield... The script was probably one of the worst ever but he and Danny McBride amply made up for that. Some really good comedy moments - who cares about continuity?!
Afterwards I wrote a little more but managed to fall asleep lights on and so forth without meditating at all.
The NaNoChaos begins...
Peace!
And I did! It took me only a few hours!
Here's the schedule:
8.30-9.30, 1h - Meditation
9.30-10.30, 1h - Emails + Food
10.30-11.30, 1h - tracks recording
11.30-12, 0.5h - Emails
12-15, 3h - NaNoWriM: Lands Of Mist prep + Food
15-19, 4h - Lands Of Mist Plotting
19-20.30, 1.5h - Food + Plotting part 2
20.30-21.30, 1h - Lands Of Mist writing
21.30-00, 2.5h - FILM Land Of The Lost
00-01, 1h - Lands Of Mist + The Hate Bearers
What can I say? Monday was also a good day! I spent a good part of the day typing up the stuff I'd found the previous night (for Lands Of Mist) and then I used up most of the afternoon to type up a semi-detailed chronology of events for the whole book. Some 34 chapters so far - which I aim to keep relatively short.
I am still amazed at how smooth the whole plotting process went. Of course it helped that I already had 9 pages of notes of things I'd like to see on that book - even if most of that was already bits of chapters/dialogue. But I managed to map it all out and insert some new scenes, chapters whenever needed. And, along the way, a couple of nice ideas for the story (to round things more) came through.
That was some 7 pages long so, roughly 3500 words. Then I think I wrote some 2000 afterwards. Still a bit low word count for what I'd like but I think it was a good start - and I can see that the first chapter is already going to be broken up in several others... oh well...
The first chapter deals with Anne-Marie and Thomas going to visit a guy that lives in a swamp on the north pole (don't ask... it works in the book though...), in an area called the Permanent Darkness.
If I recall correctly, this title came about because of Radiohead's track Permanent Daylight. Which, for a period, I was trying to learn how to play and singalong. So, there is also another chapter towards the end of the book (but not really the end) called Permanent Daylight - but that's a whole other journey.
What I didn't know was how those two chapters (in which something is given to the people living there - and yes, I won't tell you what it is...) related to the rest of the book. Now I do a bit more. But I suspect that will become clearer still after I get to that second part of the story.
It's all about building layers and layers and making things reflect one another like in a hall of mirrors (and there's gonna be quite a few things about mirrors on this one as well...) and create so much creative momentum that, hopefully, the reader will take a leap of faith and trust his/hers intuition and see the story for what it is on the big themes: be inspired and feel a sense of wonder, of the cosmic universe looming at each moment all around us.
That's pretty much the main objective of the series. In fact, the whole plot can be seen as simply a device to create this experience (hopefully - I'm still not there yet!). A series of devices created to help the mind transcend the four walls of our rooms and simultaneously perceive ourselves as in our own human space but also as a part of the Big-Bang.
Land Of The Lost was a great comedy - for those of us that love Will Ferrell.
I know, I know, lots of people don't - but the guy's expressions just crack me up. He's so pointlessly obnoxious you gotta yield... The script was probably one of the worst ever but he and Danny McBride amply made up for that. Some really good comedy moments - who cares about continuity?!
Afterwards I wrote a little more but managed to fall asleep lights on and so forth without meditating at all.
The NaNoChaos begins...
Peace!
Big Days Coming
The last few days have been quite busy with the whole NaNoWriMo thingamajig and my planned schedules have more or less been thrown out the window - even though I'm still keeping track of what I'm doing...
Sunday 31st
09-10, 1h - Meditation
10-11, 1h - Food
11-12, 1h - Blog posts
12-14, 2h - Guitar
14-16, 2h - The Great Temple
16-19, 3h - Tracks recording
19-20, 1h - Food
20-21, 1h - The Great Temple
21-00, 3h - FILM You Can't Take It With You
00-01, 1h - NaNoWriMo Hate Bearers
01-2.30, 1.5h - NaNoWriMo tidying up
2.30-3, 0.5h - Meditation
Sunday was pretty much a full day and I did spend a lot of time playing guitar and recording a few tracks - it was one of those days...
But I did finish the idea I'd had for a story for the Great Temple. The funny thing was that the firts tale in that story was supposed to be the short one and the second one the longest one. Turns out it was the other way around... They still need work but I think that they're an enjoyable read.
After midnight I started writing some things for my sci-fi spoof, The Hate Bearers. Two intergalactic mercenaries come to planet Earth to settle an old score. And even before they arrive they're already making trouble for the rest of us...
This one is going to be a patchwork of crazy, often impossible, situations. I don't really know where I'm going with it for the most part. I only know how it ends... the bits in the middle, and even the beginning - I keep writing a new beginnings with different scenes... - is a bit hazy...
After I'd writen a mighty 300 words... I spent quite a bit of time going through old paperwork and notes for ideas trying to scrounge up all the notes about the three projects I'd like to resolve this month...
And then I meditated. Of course my head was pretty much in the clouds but, there you have it...
One last thing, Frank Capra's You Can't Take It With You is an incredible film! I think it's from 1938 and it's so true to the American spirit that I don't think it could be made today...
I'll leave you with that one!
Peace!
Sunday 31st
09-10, 1h - Meditation
10-11, 1h - Food
11-12, 1h - Blog posts
12-14, 2h - Guitar
14-16, 2h - The Great Temple
16-19, 3h - Tracks recording
19-20, 1h - Food
20-21, 1h - The Great Temple
21-00, 3h - FILM You Can't Take It With You
00-01, 1h - NaNoWriMo Hate Bearers
01-2.30, 1.5h - NaNoWriMo tidying up
2.30-3, 0.5h - Meditation
Sunday was pretty much a full day and I did spend a lot of time playing guitar and recording a few tracks - it was one of those days...
But I did finish the idea I'd had for a story for the Great Temple. The funny thing was that the firts tale in that story was supposed to be the short one and the second one the longest one. Turns out it was the other way around... They still need work but I think that they're an enjoyable read.
After midnight I started writing some things for my sci-fi spoof, The Hate Bearers. Two intergalactic mercenaries come to planet Earth to settle an old score. And even before they arrive they're already making trouble for the rest of us...
This one is going to be a patchwork of crazy, often impossible, situations. I don't really know where I'm going with it for the most part. I only know how it ends... the bits in the middle, and even the beginning - I keep writing a new beginnings with different scenes... - is a bit hazy...
After I'd writen a mighty 300 words... I spent quite a bit of time going through old paperwork and notes for ideas trying to scrounge up all the notes about the three projects I'd like to resolve this month...
And then I meditated. Of course my head was pretty much in the clouds but, there you have it...
One last thing, Frank Capra's You Can't Take It With You is an incredible film! I think it's from 1938 and it's so true to the American spirit that I don't think it could be made today...
I'll leave you with that one!
Peace!
Thursday, 31 December 2009
Elegy
This is the title of the film I just saw.
It's two-thirty am and I should be going to bed, meditate a bit before I fall asleep and yet, here I am, thinking, not to worry, I'll manage with just four or five hours sleep.
It's a story I've been telling myself for many years now and yet, in situations like these, when I'm compelled to stay awake to write something, I often do not regret it afterwards.
It's feeling like that that I am here.
I'm listening to Clock DVA and thinking about what I wanted to say about this film as soon as it ended.
(I cried, of course I cried)
The main theme of the film struck home in a big way. No because I identify with the main character (even though I did so much in the past) but because I know of many people in that situation (most humans I would say) and one in particular. She's now twelve and struggling with a lot of things. Like you're supposed to when you're that young.
The film ended and I found myself thinking that I would've liked to have seen this film with her. To see her imbued with the feelings and everything that the film evokes in us. I think she would get. At least she would identify with that hunger for life but, at the same time, the fear of it.
That's Ben Kingsley's character. He is a man at the end of his life, too afraid to let go of all the repressions he has absorbed throughout his life to actually see what is in front of him. His dream. A beautiful young woman that truly loves him. She, so much younger than him, can see it. And she wants to help him to come out of his hardened mind that doesn't allow his heart to breathe. But he has a lifetime of fears, a lifetime of misconceptions and self protection.
I think he sees all this, but what makes him even more brilliant as a character is that he cannot let go of what he so desperately wants to get rid of about himself.
I think he is a powerful metaphor for humanity.
Actually, he is more than a metaphor. He is real. He is inside everyone of us. He is me and you whenever we surrender to our fear for no good reason but out of fear itself.
And how does all of this connect to a twelve year old girl?
The same way it would've connected to a twelve year old boy some 22 years ago.
It would've connected with that boy at that time because already there and then he was fascinated with the provinces of the mind. He was fascinated with art and science and people and everything he saw and welcomed inside him. Young people are like this, even when they don't fully know it.
He was fascinated with everything and he wanted to know everything. He knew it was a quimeric obsession, something that, in reality, somewhere inside of him, he knew it would be impossible to achieve but that, nonetheless, remained, increasingly powerful, increasingly magnetic and alluring.
He was fascinated with all these things but I don't think he really knew why he was fascinated. Things were just fascinating.
Yet, at the same time he began to realise that what he wanted was to know life, in its deepest, in it's fullest, so he could live it in precisely that way. In it's deepest. In it's fullest.
Can you blame him?
I do not.
I call him smart. Ambitious, perhaps even arrogant, but smart nonetheless.
I still think it's a good idea. To outwit life. To know early on the way you'll probably feel when you know you don't have much more time to live.
This was actually an exercise that I did (and sometimes still do) many times in the past.
"If I were to die tomorrow would it have been a good life? What would I regret? What have I missed?"
The answers to this were often surprising. Many times (not to say always) extremely important.
With the years I have found that my regret levels have diminished considerably and that I haven't missed much of the things I would've liked to have done.
That's simply because I am doing them now.
It does help.
Just today I was talking with a friend of mine and we ended up reaching this simple and yet so crucial conclusion that young people aren't stupid and that they actually know what they're doing.
(I guess myself and my friend both felt not listened to when we were younger so we can relate to this, even if a few decades have passed in the meantime)
(and by the way, I always dreamt about writing stuff like this when I was twelve. Go figure...)
I think it's quite brave and intelligent to try and find out what life means to us as quickly as possible. That way, hopefully, we will be able to enjoy it to the fullest as soon as possible.
When I was a teenager I used to dream about having the experience of an old man in a teenage body (and this has been the theme of many of my stories. Perhaps in disguise, but it's there).
There was a phrase that my father's uncle used every single time we went to visit him in Lisbon. It was something like
"Now that I' ready to die, I am ready to start living."
It's a bitter affirmation of disappointment towards one's life. This phrase became engraved in my mind. I could feel the taste of fear and pain that it held underneath the words. It weren't just the words you see. There were sights. And smells. And tones. Things that however many words we might use, we will never truly describe.
And, as soon as the meaning of this phrase became clear to me, I vowed to live a life that would NOT end up in this way. I wanted to end my life saying, I've lived my life and I am ready to die. I have done all I've wanted to.
There is a very powerful phrase in this film, it goes something like
"Man's biggest surprise in life is old age."
I understood this at the age of twelve but the understanding I have now is that of a twelve year old with twenty two more years of experience. An understanding of someone who already has some measure of knowledge of what it means your body growing old.
This is one of the big reasons why I believe this film is an important one. The sooner we become acquainted with life the better.
There are a couple of very important lines in this film about this.
In one scene Ben is saying that
"we've spent our whole life acting like teenagers."
He's not referring to clothes or going to parties, but rather in the sense of not knowing how to be fully responsible for one's own life.
I mean, let's face it, life is what we do everyday and yet, there is so little teaching about it imparted from other people. We have our parents. We have our grandparents. We have our friends. But, not always the wisdom they have to give us is enough to steady us in our path.and, to this I say, recognise them as fellow travellers in this mysterious road and chide them not for their blame. Life just happens.
On another scene Ben is talking to his oldest friend (played by Dennis Hopper) and he says something like
"It's time to grow up. Not just grow old."
Again he is alluding to that most precious of lessons that this film is trying to impart on us. A lesson in responsibility.
But a responsibility that has nothing to do with returning our assignments on time or know how to comment a work of art in an appropriate manner.
But rather a responsibility to the way we feel. A responsibility towards the heart. A responsibility that is unconditional and non-judgmental.
This is something very hard to achieve.
Our inner truth.
That's the only thing we've been striving for all our lives. That is certainly what Ben's character fails to accept, see, BECOME at every step of his path.
Yet, Penelope Cruz's character, some thirty odd years younger, she sees it so clearly.
More. SHE IS IT.
And this haunts him. This taunts him. This lures him as much as it frightens him. She is truly his Holy Grail. And in more ways that just this one. She is complete.
And she is complete because she is FULLY herself.
There's no holding back.
It's just take it or leave it. Like a child.
And it's through that innocence, that incredible, mature spontaneity that her beauty truly shines through.
This is the lesson they both learn in fact. But him, a lot more than her.
Still, the important thing is that they do learn it. And that they share this.
This is actually all plainly told in the film. They each go through their own masks and, what they find is simply what they always had known was there.
And why had they always know it?
Simple.
Because they had feared it.
Anyway, you know how sometimes you just wish people would change, realise this or that in order for them to become so much more fully what you feel and know in your bones that they are, but you don't know how to?
Well, this is one of those films that gives you this trust that, if they did watch it, they'd get it. Just the way you got. And that impression, that lasting impression that it left on you, would be theirs as well. And, the next time you saw them, they would be a few steps further in their own path. Perhaps a bit closer to you as well. For truly, this is the one thing you want to share.
Peace
It's two-thirty am and I should be going to bed, meditate a bit before I fall asleep and yet, here I am, thinking, not to worry, I'll manage with just four or five hours sleep.
It's a story I've been telling myself for many years now and yet, in situations like these, when I'm compelled to stay awake to write something, I often do not regret it afterwards.
It's feeling like that that I am here.
I'm listening to Clock DVA and thinking about what I wanted to say about this film as soon as it ended.
(I cried, of course I cried)
The main theme of the film struck home in a big way. No because I identify with the main character (even though I did so much in the past) but because I know of many people in that situation (most humans I would say) and one in particular. She's now twelve and struggling with a lot of things. Like you're supposed to when you're that young.
The film ended and I found myself thinking that I would've liked to have seen this film with her. To see her imbued with the feelings and everything that the film evokes in us. I think she would get. At least she would identify with that hunger for life but, at the same time, the fear of it.
That's Ben Kingsley's character. He is a man at the end of his life, too afraid to let go of all the repressions he has absorbed throughout his life to actually see what is in front of him. His dream. A beautiful young woman that truly loves him. She, so much younger than him, can see it. And she wants to help him to come out of his hardened mind that doesn't allow his heart to breathe. But he has a lifetime of fears, a lifetime of misconceptions and self protection.
I think he sees all this, but what makes him even more brilliant as a character is that he cannot let go of what he so desperately wants to get rid of about himself.
I think he is a powerful metaphor for humanity.
Actually, he is more than a metaphor. He is real. He is inside everyone of us. He is me and you whenever we surrender to our fear for no good reason but out of fear itself.
And how does all of this connect to a twelve year old girl?
The same way it would've connected to a twelve year old boy some 22 years ago.
It would've connected with that boy at that time because already there and then he was fascinated with the provinces of the mind. He was fascinated with art and science and people and everything he saw and welcomed inside him. Young people are like this, even when they don't fully know it.
He was fascinated with everything and he wanted to know everything. He knew it was a quimeric obsession, something that, in reality, somewhere inside of him, he knew it would be impossible to achieve but that, nonetheless, remained, increasingly powerful, increasingly magnetic and alluring.
He was fascinated with all these things but I don't think he really knew why he was fascinated. Things were just fascinating.
Yet, at the same time he began to realise that what he wanted was to know life, in its deepest, in it's fullest, so he could live it in precisely that way. In it's deepest. In it's fullest.
Can you blame him?
I do not.
I call him smart. Ambitious, perhaps even arrogant, but smart nonetheless.
I still think it's a good idea. To outwit life. To know early on the way you'll probably feel when you know you don't have much more time to live.
This was actually an exercise that I did (and sometimes still do) many times in the past.
"If I were to die tomorrow would it have been a good life? What would I regret? What have I missed?"
The answers to this were often surprising. Many times (not to say always) extremely important.
With the years I have found that my regret levels have diminished considerably and that I haven't missed much of the things I would've liked to have done.
That's simply because I am doing them now.
It does help.
Just today I was talking with a friend of mine and we ended up reaching this simple and yet so crucial conclusion that young people aren't stupid and that they actually know what they're doing.
(I guess myself and my friend both felt not listened to when we were younger so we can relate to this, even if a few decades have passed in the meantime)
(and by the way, I always dreamt about writing stuff like this when I was twelve. Go figure...)
I think it's quite brave and intelligent to try and find out what life means to us as quickly as possible. That way, hopefully, we will be able to enjoy it to the fullest as soon as possible.
When I was a teenager I used to dream about having the experience of an old man in a teenage body (and this has been the theme of many of my stories. Perhaps in disguise, but it's there).
There was a phrase that my father's uncle used every single time we went to visit him in Lisbon. It was something like
"Now that I' ready to die, I am ready to start living."
It's a bitter affirmation of disappointment towards one's life. This phrase became engraved in my mind. I could feel the taste of fear and pain that it held underneath the words. It weren't just the words you see. There were sights. And smells. And tones. Things that however many words we might use, we will never truly describe.
And, as soon as the meaning of this phrase became clear to me, I vowed to live a life that would NOT end up in this way. I wanted to end my life saying, I've lived my life and I am ready to die. I have done all I've wanted to.
There is a very powerful phrase in this film, it goes something like
"Man's biggest surprise in life is old age."
I understood this at the age of twelve but the understanding I have now is that of a twelve year old with twenty two more years of experience. An understanding of someone who already has some measure of knowledge of what it means your body growing old.
This is one of the big reasons why I believe this film is an important one. The sooner we become acquainted with life the better.
There are a couple of very important lines in this film about this.
In one scene Ben is saying that
"we've spent our whole life acting like teenagers."
He's not referring to clothes or going to parties, but rather in the sense of not knowing how to be fully responsible for one's own life.
I mean, let's face it, life is what we do everyday and yet, there is so little teaching about it imparted from other people. We have our parents. We have our grandparents. We have our friends. But, not always the wisdom they have to give us is enough to steady us in our path.and, to this I say, recognise them as fellow travellers in this mysterious road and chide them not for their blame. Life just happens.
On another scene Ben is talking to his oldest friend (played by Dennis Hopper) and he says something like
"It's time to grow up. Not just grow old."
Again he is alluding to that most precious of lessons that this film is trying to impart on us. A lesson in responsibility.
But a responsibility that has nothing to do with returning our assignments on time or know how to comment a work of art in an appropriate manner.
But rather a responsibility to the way we feel. A responsibility towards the heart. A responsibility that is unconditional and non-judgmental.
This is something very hard to achieve.
Our inner truth.
That's the only thing we've been striving for all our lives. That is certainly what Ben's character fails to accept, see, BECOME at every step of his path.
Yet, Penelope Cruz's character, some thirty odd years younger, she sees it so clearly.
More. SHE IS IT.
And this haunts him. This taunts him. This lures him as much as it frightens him. She is truly his Holy Grail. And in more ways that just this one. She is complete.
And she is complete because she is FULLY herself.
There's no holding back.
It's just take it or leave it. Like a child.
And it's through that innocence, that incredible, mature spontaneity that her beauty truly shines through.
This is the lesson they both learn in fact. But him, a lot more than her.
Still, the important thing is that they do learn it. And that they share this.
This is actually all plainly told in the film. They each go through their own masks and, what they find is simply what they always had known was there.
And why had they always know it?
Simple.
Because they had feared it.
Anyway, you know how sometimes you just wish people would change, realise this or that in order for them to become so much more fully what you feel and know in your bones that they are, but you don't know how to?
Well, this is one of those films that gives you this trust that, if they did watch it, they'd get it. Just the way you got. And that impression, that lasting impression that it left on you, would be theirs as well. And, the next time you saw them, they would be a few steps further in their own path. Perhaps a bit closer to you as well. For truly, this is the one thing you want to share.
Peace
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